TITLE: TOMORROW'S SOLDIER

AUTHOR: Bridgett Writer

GRADE: CONSIDER

NOTES

TOMORROW'S SOLDIER is an extremely engaging and compelling drama about one man’s struggle for justice. Indeed, the story has a broad appeal, enhanced by the fact that it’s based on a true story. Peter is a strong protagonist – someone we care about and want to follow. In addition, he’s got a clear and dramatic goal that he pursues despite numerous obstacles. This creates a solid structure with a natural climax and resolution. However, in the present version there are two main areas of concern.

Some of the story events – while probably completely factual – do not come across as convincing. These scenes need to be re-shaped a little in order to “play” on screen. In addition, there is a general over reliance on dialogue to convey information.

In regards to the believability issues: why doesn't Margaret hear about Peter's arrest earlier? Surely she would have seen something about it on the news or in the papers? Because there's no clear reason for Margaret not to come forward, it seems like this delay exists solely to keep Peter in jail. When he is finally bailed out, why doesn’t Peter look for witnesses who might have seen the killer? It should be obvious by now that the police are convinced he committed the murder, so Peter needs to take matters into his own hands. He should canvas the neighborhood, talk to the store owner and cabbie etc. Peter is the hero/protagonist and as such needs to drive the story.

Why does it take Shirley so long to recognize Angus as the killer? The way the scene plays now, it seems like Shirley gets a good look at him during the murder. If the killer's face is somehow obscured, or Shirley has poor eyesight, this needs to be explained. Otherwise we wonder why Shirley didn't come forward either.

On some minor points: Peter needs a stronger reason to be in the neighborhood. Surely there's a store closer to his own apartment? Also, develop the figure of Detective Mann a little more. We know that he's fed up with his job, but his attitude is so poor that we wonder why he hasn't been fired or transferred to a desk job. If he's got friends in high places or there's some other reason he can't be touched, this needs to be spelled out.

The other main concern is the lack of visual storytelling. While certain genres, such as drama, tend to be more dialogue heavy, always keep in mind that film is a visual medium. Convey information through actions and images whenever possible. For instance, rather than telling us what is going to be said on America's Most Wanted, show the segment as it airs. Have Peter and the others watching it in their various homes. Rather than Shirley telling Peter that people in the neighbor are now behind him, show this in action. Maybe a group of people turn up on his doorstep? Maybe Peter's out posting flyers and people come along offering to help? Rather than Shirley telling Peter that Angus has turned himself in, show this moment. Go through each scene and consider how it could be made more visually dynamic. Identify the crucial elements.

Remember, an excess of dialogue tends to slow down the story and interfere with its momentum. Avoid repeating information that the reader/viewer already knows. For instance, when Peter calls Shirley skip the part where he says he’s found a new witness. The same applies to the conversation between Shirley and Detective Mann when she talks about the killer's hair color – we know this already. In fact, this whole scene seems unnecessary, as does the scene between Peter and Margaret in the bakery. Make sure every scene in your screenplay either advances the story or deepens our understanding of the characters, or both. Be particularly careful to keep scenes short and to the point as the climax approaches. For instance, the long conversation between Peter and Detective Mann about driving the police car drains the energy and excitement out of finding Angus.

On a few formatting/presentation issues:

* The main purpose of a spec screenplay is to tell a story. Always avoid camera directions, as they tend to pull the reader out of the narrative. Write in way that suggests camera directions. For instance in the opening scene, all you need is "A hand grips a sharp knife" - this description requires a close up on the hand and knife.

* Spec screenplays don't need scene numbers, these are added when the shooting script is being prepared.

* Let your dialogue speak for itself. The actors will find their own natural rhythms and timing. Avoid anything that indicates emphasis in dialogue such as capitalization, italics, bold, underlining etc.

* Make scene headings/slug lines as concise, clear and informative as possible. This will help the reader to follow the action. For instance, instead of “INT. CAR HEADING WEST ON STATE STREET” use “INT. CAR (MOVING) – DAY.” Include any additional information in the narrative description. Thank-you for submitting to Is Your Script Ready.com. Good luck with your next draft.

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