TITLE: I SCREAM
AUTHOR: John Writer
GRADE: PASS

SUMMARY

The screenplay's setting and characters provide great potential for comedy and drama. The corporate inspection raises the stakes for Bob and his team. The climax merges several on-going storylines, creating a sense of cohesion. Also, Bob’s rebellion is a great cathartic moment. However, some work needs to be done in the areas of character, structure and dialogue.

PLOTTING/STRUCTURE

The story has a clear overall framework: the manager of an ice cream franchise tries to get things in order before an inspection by the corporate boss. However, in this version the protagonist’s goal isn't introduced until Bob is told about the spot inspection – which is 50 pages/minutes into the film. As a result, the first act feels disjointed and overly episodic. In addition, the screenplay suffers from a lot of “filler” – moments that don't advance the goals of the main characters or add anything significant to the plot. In general, the screenplay’s structure needs to be a lot more focused.

When reworking your screenplay, put the events that Bob must face in the context of the traditional “three-act” structure. Bob does have a definite goal and a series of steps that he needs to take to achieve it. However, as mentioned above the goal is introduced far too late. Have Pops stop by the store just as Bob is opening up and warn him about the inspection. Then when the staff arrives, Bob tells them what's going on. That way his goal is introduced in the opening pages and everything that happens in the story – Sally breaking the machine, the kids stealing the ice cream, the electricity going out – becomes a further complication for Bob. Everything is tied together in a cohesive manner.

Chart every scene in the screenplay. Identify and eliminate filler. This is the time to be brutal. Some of the characters and jokes that you really like will end up being cut from the script. However, having unnecessary scenes/dialogue exchanges undermines the story’s drama and comedy and will cause the audience to lose interest. The heart of your story is Bob trying to get the store ready for his boss. Concentrate on that.

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

The screenplay introduces a host of engaging characters, and given its setting there’s almost limitless potential in this area. In addition, Bob is sympathetic protagonist – an ordinary guy pushed to the brink by the pressures of his mundane job. He’s a kind of “everyman” figure, the sort of character most people can relate to. Nonetheless, in this type of story everything comes down to the strength of the characters. In order to carry an entire film, they'll need to be exceptionally well developed and three-dimensional. And at present the characters feel a little flat. Their idiosyncrasies and traits are quickly established, but it's a sense of interiority that is lacking – a sense of the characters' goals, needs, desires and motivations.

Write a character profile that lists all the basic facts of each person's childhood, recent history etc. Much of this backstory will not appear directly in the screenplay. But you can use this information to add touches here and there that make the characters feel more fleshed out. For example, the nerdy guy who has a crush on the most popular girl is a type that's been seen before. Really delve into Frank's character. Apart from Sally, what is passionate about? Perhaps he's a martial arts fanatic? Maybe he's shy at the store but when he gets to his martial arts classes he's a killer black belt? This kind of contrast is a great way to generate comedy.
Once the characters have been developed a little more, think about their needs and desires. Establish a clear goal for each main character based on either a need or a desire – even if it’s something simple like Frank wanting to win Sally's heart. This will give them drive and purpose. Here they kind of drift from situation to situation. For example, although it's clear that Frank wants to be with Sally, he never tries to do anything about it. Obviously you have to stay true to the character, so Frank's not going to woo Sally in the traditional way. But he could still try to get her attention in his own strange manner. If Frank were really set on winning Sally's heart, then having them end up together would be more powerful. At present it feels like this just happens by chance.

There's also a tendency for minor characters to become a distraction. This causes scenes to run long and the story's structure to lag. For example, the bus conductor, the doctor and the Pops could be eliminated without affecting the plot very much. This is a sign that they're not really relevant. They should either be given more important roles or removed all together.

DIALOGUE

It often feels natural and realistic, such as when Bob and the staff interact with the customers. However, there's also an over reliance on dialogue and quite a bit of filler in this draft. For example, the conversations Bob has with the janitor, the discussion between Pops and the bald guy, the conversation between Sally and the businessman - these are all moments that could be cut. Part of the problem is that the story needs a more focused structure. Once this issue has been addressed, it will be easier to see which scenes/dialogue exchanges are unnecessary.

Don't use dialogue to describe things when actions or images would work better. For example, show Sally breaking the machine and getting covered in ice cream. Show Frank serenading Sally rather than having him tell Bob about it. Describe the man having the allergic reaction to the peanut ice cream rather than hearing about it after the fact.

On a related point, Bob's voice over seems unnecessary. This creates a fairly slow start. Also, it's always better to show the viewer what a character is like through his actions and behavior than “telling” everything through dialogue/voice over. Show Bob getting kicked out of home rather than him describing these events through voice over.

Finally, cut repetition of information that the reader/viewer already knows. For example, when Bob tells Sally, then Frank and then Pops about the theft, when Sally tells Bob about the man's allergic reaction, when Bob's wife tells Frank she threw Bob out - these are all examples of unnecessary repetition. Cut into these scenes after the characters have filled one another in on the details. The audience will assume the rest of the conversation took place off screen.

CONFLICT/STAKES

Fairly strong. Bob does face a barrage of difficult customers and other issues. However, most of this conflict is on a very small scale and is resolved fairly quickly. As a result, the story doesn't yet have the level of tension and drama that will enthrall an audience from beginning to end. Part of the problem is that the difficulties Bob faces are not inherently dramatic. For example, making change for a $100 bill would be a pain if you're working in an ice cream store, but in terms of cinema, it's not that dramatic. On the other hand, the guy having a severe allergic reaction to the peanut ice cream is very funny and compelling. A lot more should be made of it.

It feels like the writer might be close to this subject matter, which is great. Knowing this world so intimately has made it very realistic. However, it's important to step back and evaluate material on an objective level. Not every aspect of this world is going to be interesting to an audience. The conflicts that Bob faces need to be significant. They also need to escalate as the climax approaches. To increase the story's overall tension give Bob an antagonist/opposition figure to butt heads with. Maybe there's someone on the staff who hates Bob and sees this as the perfect moment to steal his job?

As with the conflict, the screenplay's stakes need to be raised. Bob despises his job, which is understandable. But this creates real problems for the story. Since Bob doesn't care about the ice cream store, why should we? Even if Bob despises his work, you need to give us a sense that being fired would be a complete disaster for him. In this draft, it feels a bit like they'd be doing him a favor. Also, Bob could have a lot in more on the line in terms of his personal life. Maybe he's trying to work things out with his wife? But he has to blow her off during the climactic “inspection”?

STORY LOGIC

The world of the story is well drawn. As a result, there are no major issues in this area. A couple of minor points though: Why did Bob buy an ice cream franchise in the first place? He hates the stuff. This could work if there were a compelling reason for it (his wife pressured him into it, he thought it would make him rich etc.). But at present it just seems like a really strange thing to have done. He could have used the money to open a bookstore since he's into literature. Why does Sally fall for Frank? Frank needs to win her over somehow, even if it's not in a traditional way.

FORMAT

* Always place page numbers in the top right hand corner of the page, except for the first page. Tradition demands that it not be numbered. So numbering starts on page two.

* The main purpose of a spec screenplay is to tell a story. Always avoid camera directions and use of the first person plural such as “we see.” Anything you include in description will automatically be “seen.”

* Only include things in description that can be filmed. Do not describe a character’s internal thoughts/feelings or unnecessary commentary such as, “Bob remembers the happier times…” (28), “he doesn't like criticism, especially from a woman” (49) and the passage beginning “he’s sad when he thinks of Sally” (107).

* A screenwriter has only two means to convey information to the audience: 1) images/actions; 2) dialogue.

* The reader automatically assumes that one scene or image “cuts to” another, so these transitions are redundant and waste valuable space. In addition, actual editing decisions, such as fades and dissolves, will be made by the production team.

* When a character is not physically present in the scene but his/her voice is heard – such as over a telephone, through narration etc. – use (V.O.) meaning voice over. (O.S.) means “off screen” and is used when a character is present but can’t be seen (hiding in shadows, in next room etc.).

* Watch for typos. In this draft there's a lot of confusion between "it's" and "its."


Thank-you for submitting to Is Your Script Ready.com. Good luck with your next draft.



© IsYourScriptReady.com 2005-9